why I have no soul

There are actually many reasons I am a terrible human being but today brought up one. My boss starting talking about a patient that he had in the past who had cancer twice. Not just one bout with cancer, cured that, then it started somewhere else and they had multiple procedures and amputations and blah blah blah. Oh yea and the patient was like 6 yrs old. Awesome.

After he was done I was like "Ummm boss person, everytime you talk about these patients I feel like a jerk because I get pissed off if there are no blueberry scones".

And also sometimes when I put my hands under the automatic faucet in the bathroom or under the dryer, they don't come on.

stupid german cars piece of crap!

In 2005 I did what many people have since deemed "friggin stupid", I leased a car. A 2005 VW Jetta, it had 25 miles on it when I drove away from the dealership. It probably lost half it's value in that 2 minutes. There were many reasons I leased it, 1) I HATE car stuff, I don't know how to fix them, I don't know what is wrong with them. If my car broke and they said it needed racing stripes and flames coming out of it I would have just shake my head and say ok. I have no idea what to do when it comes to cars, I get the oil changed at Juniors auto-body, he is nice and calls me honey.

Yesterday I had some issues with the car moving out of park, so I called Uncle Patrick and he told me to wiggle the wheel around, fixed! Off on my merry way to pick up keys from Mike while he was at the gym. Get back into car, won't come out of park. (Wiggle, wiggle). Still not moving. People behind me in car looking at me and and wondering why I am not moving out of parking space. I try to wave them on in a nice way but I am sure because of my frustration I waved my arms back and forth like a crazy person. (Wiggle, wiggle, swear, slam gear shift, push on gas) Next my car beeps because now I have no gas because I used it all while pumping gas to get car out of park. (Swear)

This goes on for about 25 minutes, I give up and call AAA, then I sit on steps in front of gym and wait for Mike. He comes out, (yea now I have someone to complain too!) Same thing happened to him in my car a few days ago. He tried to wiggle the wheel, no moving.

This also happened to Erin's 2005 Jetta.

Tow man comes!!!!! He then squeals the tires as he tows Jetta onto back of tow truck. Half of tires are now left in Gold's Gym parking lot.

And yes, I know it was a bad idea but the car I was driving before would stall at any hint of moisture in the air, be it snow, sleet, rain or fog. Or if you breathed on the hood.

I am now leaving work so I can go pick up Jetta, it will probably run out of gas when I leave the garage parking lot.

Tales of Thomas, Part 2

My brother who is 8 recently had his brain tested because like all 8 year old boys he is crazy hyper and wants to play video games 24/7. So he talked to a psychologist and they asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up. I was thinking he would say "Just like my Dad", which is what he said a lot when he was like 4 or 5. Or maybe say like a fireman, or a police man, which seem to be standard responses for 8 year old boys. No. What did my brother say when the psychologist asked what he wanted to be when he grew up. A Hobo. My brother wants to be a Hobo. When asked by the psychologist if he knew what a Hobo was my brother said "Yea, they ride trains".

He did manage to also say he would like to be a baseball player. So maybe in the off-season he can be a homeless train rider and eat cold beans from a can.

Rules of Starbucks

There seems to be a lot of confusion when it comes to Starbucks and how exactly one should act. I feel I must vent my frustrations, or rather give my charming rules or rather suggestions of how one show behave while in a busy Starbucks at rush hour in a hospital district:

1. Honey, upstairs you may be a doctor but down here shut up and wait your turn, we all have somewhere we need to be

2. And on the subject of MDs, while in line for coffee I do not want to hear the word "tumor", "hard bowel movements" or "evisceration" (I can deal with everything but not before I have had coffee)

3. Paying in change is fine, but paying in change that you insist on arranging on piles according to size is not okay when people with a serious addiction to caffeine are 12 in a line behind you

4. When you have a very large Starbucks in which to stand I would recommend not standing directly in front of the stand with the milk, cream and sugar and such

Just suggestions...

oh crap

So...I am now 28, its amazing to think that I once weighed 7lbs 14oz. Hot. So I was thinking what my life is like now and what I thought it would be like when I was 6.

Thoughts when I was 6 included:

1) will be fairy princess and live in a castle

Reality: don't wanna be a princess, they have crappy lives AND have to wear corsets 24/7, and apt. in Hyde Park is probably way less drafty then a castle

2) will have a pony, specifically a pink one

Reality: a pony would poop a lot I'm thinkin' so glad I don't have one of those

3) Would have 3-4 children and a puppy and live in a house where I cooked and cleaned all day waiting for my prince to come home

Reality: Many reasons this hasn't occurred-I am not INSANE, I like sleep and beer and eating PB&J for dinner and I live with Erin, I do clean though. And ordering out is still effort!

4) Would have lots of money because of prince who would provide for me

Reality: Phhhbbbllllttttttt. (That is me sticking my tongue out) Why in gods name would I want some guy to provide everything for me just so he could leave me when I am 40 to go live with his 22 year old secretary with the tight sweaters. Nuh uh.

WTF?

So I was waiting to cross the street near my office when I saw a car slow down in front of me to turn into Children's Hospital...yea momma was on the phone while driving with 1 hand while her 7 month old baby, and I repeat baby not toddler, was straddling the arm rest in the front seat of the car while wobbling back and forth. No car seat, no restraints of ANY kind, and, and Mom was on a cell phone call WHILE DRIVING.

Awesome.

Maybe she was just "country" like Britney.

if only they had flushed him

I went to the aquarium with my family today, Erin came too so someone could count with me how many times my 13 year old cousin said "Oh my god" Penguins are cute, and my brother loved the sharks, I however screamed like I had just got shot when I saw a sting ray came near the window I was next to. Erin: "Calm down Steve Irwin"

We wandered over to a tank along the side, there were some pretty fish swimming around among the coral, and then there were 2 lion fish, well actually there were 3 but the 3rd fish seemed to be having a bad day, he was upside-down. Not moving.

Me: "Ummm...is there something wrong with that fish?"

My cousin: "I think it's moving"

Erin: "No that's that tank or maybe that's the special upside down fish"

We walked away from the fish funeral onto the next tank and I noticed a 8 year old boy (or maybe he was 16 or 24, I can't tell anymore) who worked there and asked him if the upside down fish was dead, it was still upside down and not moving.

Little boy: "No, he is just relaxing, he's not dead."

Yea, and old yeller went to go live on a nice farm in the country.

On our way out we walked by the tank again and interestingly enough there were now 2 lion fish instead of 3...hmmmmm...interesting.

where's the future

Remember when you were growing up and you watched shows about "the future" and how it was going to be super cool because you would have like hover-crafts and it would be just like the Jetsons? Yea...ummmm when is that time gonna get here? Because compared to like 50 years ago not a whole lot has changed.

We have a few things that are better but no great strides have been made to introduce a car that flys, or a pill that makes you skinny. Oh there have been promises up the wazoo but ain't nobody producin' sumpin' substantial! By 2007 I am sure people in 1908 though life was going to be a breeze, no diseases, houses that control themselves and talk to you, cars that float (yea I am stuck on that) and suction tubes that transport you to where you want to go. Look at the pictures of the T from when it first began running, it looks the SAME as it does now! WTF?!

I wanna see some Cloud City, I wanna have a chance to fly around in a Millennium Falcon, dammity I want me a C3PO! Star Wars ruined me!

Thanks George Lucas, for nuthin!

workin' for the $$$

So I just sent out a work related e-mail in regards to something very important (not really) and this was an actual sentence "It is in the jar next to Mr. Burns's bobble head". I ooze professionalism and shit.

So I am trying to be a more patient person, this is Day 1...doing kinda good, but that could also be because I pulled my back out (thanks Mike) and can't move very fast. Examples of patience:
1. Didn't run over people who walked in front of car
2. When lady almost impaled my eyeball with her umbrella all I said was "excuse me, you need to be careful, you almost poked me in the eye"
3. Wanted to shove the people in line who don't understand how to act in Starbucks, dude MOVE UP.
But now I am trying to be patient, Mike asked me to watch my manners...Day 2

I wanna be JG

I have so decided that I want to be Jennifer Garner, or rather I want to emulate her. I am watching "Catch & Release" right now and she is ADORABLE! I saw this in the theatre a while back and liked it, but really I must start emulate JG. So henceforth if any circumstance comes up (like for instance, should I toss a mai-tai into someones face, or not) I will think "What would JG do". I will just have to overlook the whole "Elecktra" movie thing.

Stories of Thomas, part 1

Okay so I have a brother named Thomas, he is 8 going on 15 going on 30 going on 4. So all of my friends have heard stories about him, but I shall relate some here because the kid is friggin HYSTERICAL.

-Last summer Thomas walked down the stairs and he had a black eye that he didn't have about 15 minutes before. My mom asked him what happened...(now put this in a kinda raspy 8 year old boy voice) "Ummm...I was watchin' TV and I had to pee so I went into the bathroom but I left the door open and I was tryin' to see the commercial and I peed on the floor a little bit and then I slipped on my pee and hit my head on the toilet and hit my eye. I was goin' cry, but I didn't" (keep in mind he already had a broken wrist because he fell off a trampoline, and he had to be a ring bearer about 4 days after the black eye incident).

-My friend Ryan is/was a waiter and when I lived with him Thomas and my Mom came to visit me. My Mom, Thomas and I went to the Museum of Science, Thomas hated it and declared that he "didn't ever want to go to that smart museum again". And on the way home he asked "When is that boy going to come back from waiting". Meaning Ryan, took me a minute to get that...