12 Days of Christmas

Well technically its the 20th of December so we are down to 5 days of Christmas, unless the song references days AFTER Christmas. I don't know, Wikipedia really isn't clear about that. However it is clear about the verses of the song and since it was supposedly written in the 1780s, me thinks times were different then because:
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...


12 Drummers Drumming-ummm what the hell am I going to do with them, except for maybe pelt them with Hershey kisses, no wait...I want to eat those

11 Pipers Piping-seriously? I would tell them to all go pipe themselves right out the window

10 Lords-a-Leaping-this might be cool, because I am thinking that all the "lords" will be fab gays who can go shopping with me and judge people in the mall for fun.

9 Ladies Dancing-like the Celtics dancers? Because I would probbies just tell them to eat a sammich and go dance for dollars at the Foxy Lady

8 Maids-a-Milking-well I like milk, but the maids would have to milk cows (I'm guessing? maybe goats?) and we live in a 900 sq foot condo, not a lot of places to put a cow or 8

7 Swans-a-Swimming-umm, I think swans are mean, aren't they? I could probably put 1 or 2 in the tub and maybe one in the kitchen sink but then the garbage disposal might turn on and then one of the swans would be maimed and no one wants a gimpy swan

6 Geese-a-Laying-what the f*** am I going to do with a whole bunch of goose eggs? can you even eat those?

5 Gold Rings-dude I will just take 1 thanks

4 Colly Birds-or Calling birds, either way I am not into that, there is a mocking bird that I declare war on every spring, it wakes me up every morning at like 4am. I only have to deal with it for about a month between when we start opening the windows at night and when we put in the AC

3 French Hens-so....there seems to be a whole lotta poultry to be giving someone

2 Turtle Doves-are these like turtles crossed with doves? Like a hybrid turtle/dove thing...that would be cool, like can they fly AND swim?

And a Partridge in a Pear Tree-I like pears...but I tend to kill plants